Movie Reviews: A Sunday Quiz

Everyone gets bad reviews. It’s a given. (Except for me of course, Basement Tales and You Could Make a Killing still riding on all 5 star reviews on Amazon…but hey, I’m not one to gratuitously plug my books…)

But apparently not. Even the classics don’t appeal to everyone: and boy, can it spark a spirited response on Amazon…

So here’s a bit of fun for a Sunday. I looked up some of my favourite films, that surely no-one could dislike, and found some…interesting takes on them. So with a couple of redacted words which would make things just too easy, here are a few reviews: see if you can guess the movies (answers at bottom of post).

Movie Number 1: “What twaddle”

“I bought the dvd on spec, and found it to be pure drivel. Virtually no story-line, no suspense, and the vaulted repartee between Newman and Redford would surely only impress a 5 year old. Plenty of time wasted with horseback chases and bang bang your dead shoot-ups.”

 

Movie Number 2: “Sentimental childish pap”

“What an awful film, sentimental with foul language, unrealistic story, about a
cleaner. Naturally there is lots of sentimental muzak, a sure sign of a rubbishy film”

Movie Number 3: “Overrated Drivel”

I bought this video after hearing excellent reviews from both friends of mine and off so called film critics. I was appalled at the nature of this video, not only did it promote drinking yourself into oblivion it also brought to my attention the reasons why the British film industry is lagging so far behind the American market. This film made me want to be sick, it wasn’t funny, in fact I would go as far as saying that I found it insulting. I still watched till the end, but I can’t believe that I wasted 103 minutes of my life on this claptrap. This kind of movie not only promotes drinking but it also encourages the youth of today to go out and drink themselves into a coma. I recommend that anyone who has any taste in films to keep well away from an outrageously poor sesspit of a film.

Movie Number 4: Not funny at all

I remember watching this when I was younger, so I thought it would be nice for my 12 year old daughter to watch it. I couldn’t believe how dreadful this film is, it was supposed to make a joke out of racism and to show how disgusting it can be, but we just couldn’t believe how racist it was and it really wasn’t funny at all, I hated it and so did my daughter.

Movie Number 5: Don’t Waste Your Money

What an utter load of implausible rubbish. This film can’t seem to make it’s mind up whether it wants to be a thriller or a comedy and ends up being neither. Thankfully I saw it (or rather partially saw it) on TV rather than buying the DVD. I wanted to see it because the ending was filmed on X, a place that I’ve been to. I never got that far into the film. In fact I only stuck with this garbage for about half an hour then turned it off, bored to tears with the ridiculous, unbelievable story-line. The film’s not helped by having the actress playing X’s mother looking about the same age as X. Complete codswallop (at least the first half hour is). Whether it gets better I can’t say but I have doubts. A film for insomniacs.

Movie Number 6: The thing that won’t die, in the nightmare that won’t end

This film is way over-rated. The special effects are not great but doesn’t matter as it was 1984 and special effects are worthless when it comes to true films. Too much violence and running around set along with an original plot which however, is slightly blown away by some of the explosions.

Movie Number 7: Smug acting and really not funny

Can’t understand the positive reviews for this film. I think I laughed once during whole thing. I found the acting really conceited – they seemed to find themselves really funny. I don’t know what else to say, I think its the kind of thing you might like if you like Mike Myers etc, though its not even as clever and funny as that.

Movie Number 8: 153 minutes of my life I’ll never get back

If there is a more boring, pretentious and ultimately pointless film, then I’d probably NOT want to know what it is. Quite why this film enjoys the cult celebrity that it undoubtedly does is totally beyond me. I’d watch it again if I thought I would ‘get it’, but I just can’t face being SOOOooooo bored all over again.
The one scene I did find profoundly disturbing was the gratuitously cruel hacking to death of the oxen. Again, to my mind, utterly pointless and put there merely to shock.
Sorry – simply not for me.

Movie Number 9: No Stars Is Not An Option

I Like a deep meaningful movie. I like a film with a different rhythm that engages your brain. I think that this does either in any engaging way. IT MAY HAVE some hidden depth about the nature of standard issue Love affairs – of females desiring to live long and grow old, about young men racing into adventure and danger… & attention seeking by death-defying acts, but if that is what it was about it was executed in an ultra-boring an self absorbed (read head up its own backside) kinda way… but hey! That’s the 1970’s for you. I bought a copy for the cost of three good takeaway meals some years ago, I resold it for pennies. I shoulda bought the food. The buyer was NOT ripping me off- he was doing me a favour.

Movie Number 10: A FAILED FILM

For once I stand as a rarity amongst men as I thought x was one of the worst films I have ever seen.

A misguided, incoherent mess which comes across like a feature length black and white episode of Eastenders, with nasty people being nasty to each other, sparring brothers and a bit of fighting.

I find x to be one of those filmmakers who for every one great film he has made, he has made at least two turkeys. This sadly falls in to the latter category.

With no redeeming qualities at all – save perhaps for the cinematography – this has to rank as the most over rated film of all time.

 

 

Answers:

  1. Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. Yeah, the Newman and Redford bit probably gave it away…but consider me the happiest 5 year around. I liked the bang bang bits – not sure who the dead belong to in this scenario, but let’s go with it.
  2. Good Will Hunting. The same reviewer is no fonder of this one. I’ve never considered Elliot Smith as sentimental muzak, but what do I know: it’s clearly a bug-bear of this particular reviewer as he condones Awakenings for the same crime. He also hates the pro-Vietnam take of Good Morning Vietnam…I’m guessing the man did not cry a river the day Robin Williams passed.
  3. Withnail and I: I missed the drinking element of this film. But then I may well have been in a coma at the time. But this is why we in old Blighty are lagging so far behind our American chums. I’m off to the sesspit (sic).
  4. Blazing Saddles: to be fair, I hate it when this happens: I showed my three year old nephew Texas Chainsaw Massacre which I’d seen years ago. I’d forgotten about the chainsaw and the massacre in it. We both hated it.
  5. North by Northwest: yep. I get this. I watched American Werewolf in London because I’ve been there, but didn’t make to the location part because I couldn’t tell if it was a comedy or a horror. Hate it when films do that…
  6. The Terminator: hmm, bad effects, too much running, explosions and violence. Still, at least it was an original plot. So it has that going for it at if nothi….oh, hang on Harlan Ellison is on the line…
  7. This is Spinal Tap: well, that’s just nit-picking, isn’t it?
  8. Apocalypse Now: So you don’t want to know about the Redux version with the extra 49 minutes, I’m guessing?
  9. Harold and Maude: should have gone for the takeaways. But don’t use a fork – it has points. Which you seem to have a habit of missing. Damned ’70s.
  10. Raging Bull: Now I just want to see Martin Scorsese directing Eastenders. Perhaps the cinematography is almost, kind-of, sort-of passable though, so not a complete failure.

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